Point of View: We’re Staying Up Late at Night and Talking Until Dawn Because There Are So Many Things I Want to Talk About
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First of all, no. We weren’t talking in bed, naked. No. That’s cute but can you just imagine something cuter like we’re on a camp in the middle of a desert in Egypt when we’re on an expedition to dig one of a Pharaoh’s tomb. Every one of our team already slept and we’re trying to kill ourselves by staying up outside the tent AT NIGHT in the middle of a desert. Okay, whatever.
I ever read someone wrote that we’re supposed to be careful about the things we share with people. I always try my best to not write or tell something too personal to people I’m not (or have not yet) believe especially in this account because my first aim created this account is to share my interest in history, mythology, archaeology, fairy tales, and everything among them. But yesterday, I read something and it made me overthink something I have buried deep inside the backyard as deep as the tomb we’re trying to dig. A day contemplated it and said to someone in the mirror, “Okay, calm down dramatic bitch. Calm down. Let’s contemplate it more before we’re gratuitously writing this.”
To make a story short, one of my friends asked their followers about what makes them insecure about their potential partner and someone’s answer made something I buried came up knocking at my door once more. Never mind with her who asked the question. The one who made me overthink yesterday is someone who replied — approximately — like this, “My potential partner shouldn’t be cleverer than me.”
Suddenly a ghost named insecurity knocked at my door once more asking did I call it from its grave or not. I said, “No. Get back to your coffin.” But it was stubborn enough to stay there for hours later.
It’s not that I think that I’m clever enough to make people insecure but the more I grew up as a young woman, there is a mindset that always makes me scared. They said, “Don’t be too clever or too independent (as a woman) or no man will ever come to your life and you’ll die alone as an old virgin.”
It’s okay if you put your standard for your potential partner like that. Your life. Still, I feel that people with that mindset will never match with me in a relationship. Okay, let me explain the problem one by one.
First, I never had a boyfriend. It was a long story. Do I regret that? Yes. And no. But still, more inclined to no.
Second, do you familiar with a name like Nico Robin? Yes, a girl with a great desire for history and archaeology — that’s just what I caught because I still on episode 274, 700-something episodes more to go. What a long journey. Call me a narcissist but in some ways, I can relate to her.
When life gave me more and more reasons to give up — even our family can’t help — history, archaeology, fairy tales, and things among them give me more and more reason to stay alive. It same as the feeling when we found a nice Spotify playlist.
You might be started to think, “Uh, so Vini that melancholic?”
But that’s the truth.
The question is, do I learn and read too many things about history, archaeology, fairy tales, and everything is to compete with other people? To be the most clever girl on earth? To be those kinds of girls who think that “I’m not like the other girls?” No, sweetheart. The only reason why I love history and everything related to it because it brings me joy. Whenever I found something I didn’t know before, it always makes me realize that I still know nothing; that there are plenty of things in this world I can explore to know. And it makes me excited. Is that wrong?
And imagine. If you have to stop doing something brings you joy just because some people will uncomfortable to be with you if you keep doing that. And it’s not hurt people either! I’m not steal anything from you except your ego. I think as long as it doesn’t hurt people like making their life harder, or kill them or steal their money or anything like that, it’s not a sin.
There’s another answer which made me overthink yesterday. Someone replied, “I’ll insecure if my potential partner is taller than me.” Once again, basketball brought me joy back then in high school and I will never regret that.
It’s had been quite often that I thought about the question, “What if I will end up living alone until the end of my life just because most people (read: men) will uncomfortable seeing me doing kinds of stuff I love so much?”
Yes, hoping for the best prepare for the worst. I still pray that I’ll be lucky enough to meet someone who will let me growing, blooming, seeing me happy doing stuff that brings me joy, besides loving me tenderly. I still pray that he is the kind of person that wants to grow with me, support each other, and doing things we love to keep both of us sane and living well.
All this time I live my life “alone” and I’m happy with my solitude. Still I sure that it would be better if I do the rest with someone who happy with himself too and we both will complete each other.
So, if there’s something I will never apologize for, I think it would be being “too clever” and being “too independent”. I need to try to stop making other people’s insecurity become my insecurity.
Thank you for spent this cold night with me. Let’s get back to our tent and dig the Pharaoh’s tomb tomorrow. See you.
